Screw the Masamune: I Got me a BFG
by Aquila Hawk
Summary: Sephiroth has finally lost it. Purpetual loss in FFVII has left him in search of a new job. Even if it is only a temp job.


It has been nearly six years since Final Fantasy VII was released in the United States, and more than seven years since its release in Japan. In that time, every person and their brother has played and beaten Final Fantasy VII. Because of the immortality effect of video game characters, Sephiroth has had his ass handed to him more often then the phrase "All your base are belong to us" has been repeated. Naturally, Sephiroth was getting tired of his perpetual defeat. In a desperate move, he decided to change jobs.

"So... you want to leave the Final Fantasy VII world..." A game placement officer restated. "You know we just can't just rip you out of a wildly successful game, re-engineer you vertex for vertex, and place you in a new game."

Sephiroth looked across the desk at the fat bearded man, with utter desperation in his eyes. "But I need, NEED, out! Have you ever had to put up with being killed seven thousand times a day only to do it again tomorrow!? Well that was December of ninty-seven for me. I can't take it anymore! The Omnislash, the Ultima sword, the tunnel, the whole damn FMV sequence. Hell, I've had to deal with some punk kid equipping Cloud with the Buster sword set at Limit Level one, and he STILL beat me! That's just embarrassing!"

"Weeeell..." the man shrewdly said, stroking his beard. "We still can't take you out of Final Fantasy VII, but a second job might make things easier."

"Another worker shortage, I take it?" Sephiroth asked with a questioning eye.

"No, and if we did, we would just create more. I personally have Starcraft on my laptop, so we'll never have a shortage of characters." The man picked up a packet that sat on the desk. "Have you ever heard of Quake Arena?"

Sephiroth looked up with a giant grin. "Yeah. Don't they make oatmeal?"

"No, you idiot. That's Quaker Oats," the man scowled at Sephiroth.

Sephiroth looked down embarrassed. "...Oh."

The man sat up in his seat. "Quake Arena is a forum for disgruntle characters from many worlds to come together and battle to the multiple death."

Sephiroth slammed his hands down on the desk. "How's that any different then what I've already had to deal with!?"

The man smirked and folded his hands. "Two words; no scripts." The man had caught Sephiroth's attention. "Unbounded fury is the only law, and Death is the judge. The world of Quake is ruled by the way of the gun. Massacre is common place and the one who hordes bullets, dies quickest."

Sephiroth looked slack jawed at the man. "Eghn uh um... I-I can actually... win?"

"Yes!" the man said, placing a folder with a red crescent pierced by three red slashes and a standard issued Quake machine gun on the desk.

Sephiroth picked up the gun and cocked it (a feature only available on this sentence). "Cool!"

The Great Sephiroth

In an Aquila Hawk story

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Screw the Masamune! I got me a BFG 

Sephiroth vs. Quake III: Arena

"Welcome to the Quake Arena, Newcomer. While you are waiting for your first battle. Please feel free to watch a match on one of our monitors, or enjoy a drink in our lounge," an obviously tape-recorded voice said. Sephiroth looked up at one of the monitors the taped voice spoke of in time to watch a body explode into burst of blood and bone.

The proverbial man in Sephiroth's head turned off the light, and Sephiroth's eyes turned from bright glowing green to shit brown. He turned pale... umm... er, and became queasy. "N-no one s-said anything about railguns!" Sephiroth began to pace back and forth. "Oh crap! Oh crap! Oh crap! Oh crap! I'm in WAY over my head here! Meteors, wars, fat ass corporate executives, those I can deal with, but a railgun, THAT scares the shit out of me!" Sephiroth turned around and shook off the sight of the raingun, and began to walk towards the lounge. The room was dimly lit, and furnished with several couches and tables. A bar was set up on one side of the room, and wall behind it was lined with shelved liquor bottles. The lounge was full of characters talking, drinking, and passing out drunk.

One of the characters got up from his seat and walked towards Sephiroth. Sephiroth instantly recognized the character as Disney legend Goofy (hey, even Sephiroth was a kid). "Howdy! You must be the noob, h'yuck. I'm going to make a banjo from your intestines, h'yuck."

"Keep talking dog! I'll frag you here, then I'll take you down in Kingdom Hearts," Sephiroth responded angrily, pulling out Masamune. "And your little duck too! Bitch!"

"What'cha going to do with that, poke my railgun, h'yuck!" Goofy said, dropping his empty right hand to his side, only to raise it again with a railgun that appeared out of thin air. He menacingly walked towards Sephiroth.

"That's enough, Goofy! Heel! Sit! Stay!" a tall blonde haired woman ordered. A very intimidated Goofy did as she said and began to whimper. The woman turned around to face Sephiroth. "Don't mind him. The medics just took him off of Prozac, so he's a bit on edge."

"Oh... o-o-ok," Sephiroth said as he sheathed the Masamune. "So who are you?"

"Don't you recognize me?" the woman asked in response.

Sephiroth scratched his head in confusion. "Um... no, not a clue."

"You ever play Metroid?" the woman asked calmly.

A sudden revelation came to Sephiroth. "I know who you are!" Sephiroth pointed his finger at the woman. "You were one of the dead scientist on the Ceres station!"

The woman slouched after hearing the haphazard response. "...No."

Sephiroth, confused with the response, started to list off wrong responses. "Mission commander, uh, uh, a civilian from Zebes. Wait! I know! A Space Pirate!"

"No, no, and... do I look like a bug!?" the woman scowled at Sephiroth. "I'm Samus Aran."

Sephiroth was surprised by the realization of who he was talking to. "Wo, wo, WO! You're Samus Aran? The Samus Aran? I thought you had a suit of cyborg armor, and brownish hair."

"I don't need to wear it all the time. As for the hair, the character design team has never kept my hair the same color. Hell, my hair used to be purple!" Samus slammed a drink. "Want a drink? They have three types, hard, hard, and hard."

"I guess I'll have to take a hard drink. Whisky, in the jar..., and I mean in the jar," Sephiroth told the bar keep, Moe.

"Geez, I-I get a little part time job and I'm still hawking drinks out to you daisy pushers!" Moe complained quite loudly. "I even have to put up with Homer!"

"Doh!" Homer exclaimed, holding his beer.

Sephiroth looked around the longue, cooly chugged his jug. He looked around the lounge at the assorted rabble from games, tv, computers, and movies. One group of characters caught his eye. Several women, who looked more likely to have come out of a photo shoot then a game, surrounded a short fat plumber. "Who's 'tons-o-fun' over there?"

Samus was very surprised by Sephiroth's question. "That there, is Mario" Sephiroth spit out all the whisky in his mouth. Samus just stared over at the videogame legend. "He's never been defeated in the Arena. There are some characters who say he's to short to shoot." Samus stood there and became disgusted. "Pig!"

Sephiroth looked up at Samus. "What!? What did I do!?" Sephiroth said in whiny little voice.

Samus backhanded Sephiroth in the shoulder. "Not you; him!"

"Oh." Sephiroth went back to chugging. He was a little surprised he was not drunk. "Wait a minute, I'm not drunk."

"That's because you're 'drinking' an mp3," Samus said with a laugh.

Sephiroth put the opening of the jar to his ear. Sure enough, he could hear the Metallica rendition of Whisky in the Jar. "Musha ring dum a doo dum a dah..."

"Quite that!" Samus exclaimed, angain backhanding Sephiroth. "They're announcing the characters for the next battle."

"MARIO, KELSK, DOOMTROOPER, SAMUS, SORLAG, BATMAN, SEPHIROTH," a deep resonating voice spoke. Sephiroth could not see the person that just spoke.

"Guess I'll see you in the Arena, but you better hope I don't," Samus said, walking towards the door.

Sephiroth watched Samus leave, but he noticed that she was wearing her armor. "Ok, this world is very weird." Sephiroth also began to walk for the door.

Sephiroth appeared in a citadel like environment. The air was thick with fog, and the smell of a sulfurous fire filled his nostrils. While Sephiroth examined his new surroundings, Batman shot him with a rocket launcher. Sephiroth exploded in chunks of red. Sephiroth soon reappeared in a new part of the arena. Sephiroth moved his head around like a kid on a sugar high. In his hyperactive daze, Sorlag ran up behind Sephiroth and fragged him with a lightning gun. Again, Sephiroth appeared in a new part of the maze. This time he was frustrated. "Fuck it! Time to go slashy slashy!" Sephiroth said, pulling out Masamune. "Heeeerrrrre's Sephy!"

Sephiroth began to lurk about the arena, menacingly brandishing his blade. Sephiroth's skulking halted, and he looked down a corridor. Not far from him, on a bridge was Mario, going kill happy with a BFG10K. "Now that's one big fucking gun," Sephiroth commented to himself. He quickly shook off the comment and focused on his true task. "Maybe if I frag Mario, I'll become a videogame god." Immediately A One Wing Angel started playing in the background. "Not now!" Oh... um... sorry. How about Maybe I'm a Lion? "Ah, much better." Sephiroth charged sword first at Mario. However, Mario was not going to be humiliated so easily. The short fat plumber turned around and shot Sephiroth just as the upbeat "Hauh!" of Maybe I'm a Lion was reached. Sephiroth, realizing he was fragged, charged right back at Mario with Masamune held high. Again, Mario fired without hesitation.

This cycle of charge, get fragged, and charge continued for a while. Mario began to tire of being 'hand fed' his victims. "Co'mon'a now, I'm'a gettin' bored here!" Mario sighed, firing a Plama burst into Sephiroth next attack.

"THREE FRAGS LEFT!" the omnipotent voice of Quake said. Sephiroth charged again, and was shot again. "TWO FRAGS LEFT!" the voice of Quake said.

"Alright, Fatty, you're going down!" Sephiroth charged, but was again blown to bits.

"ONE FRAG LEFT!" the echoing voice said.

"Shut up already!" Sephiroth shouted at the unseen voice. "Alright, time to go out with a..." Sephiroth said before he was shot by a burst of radioactive BFG10K plasma. The next thing he saw he was in a room with several monitors all focused on stats.

"So how did you do?" Samus said from behind Sephiroth.

"Oh, probably not all that bad," Sephiroth said very smugly.

Samus looked at the monitor. "You had a score of -46."

Sephiroth's smug attitude quickly melted, much like he had every time he was hit by one of Mario's BFG rounds. "I can't shoot anyone!" Sephiroth cried out like a lost child. "And those bridges are too easy to fall off of."

"That and trying to take on a BFG10K with a melee weapon," Samus added.

"But it's all I know," Sephiroth continued. He turned to the bar, as he had mysteriously appeared in the lounge. "Hey, Moe, one bourbon, one scotch, one beer."

"You know that's just another mp3, right?" Samus asked.

"Yeah I know, I just need to listen to something as depressing as me," Sephiroth responded, jamming his ear into the glass.

"SORLAG, HOMER, BATMAN, ZERO, BONES, SEPHIROTH," the booming voice said without interruption.

Sephiroth stared at the ceiling in horror. "Gah! Ghee! Humina, humina! WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING BACK IN THAT MESS!?!?!?"

Samus punched Sephiroth as hard as she could, knocking the RPG villain halfway across the lounge. "Get a hold of yourself!" Samus said as soon as Sephiroth came to. "Who's your player?"

Sephiroth looked at the monitors. "Aquila Hawk."

Samus looked at Sephiroth in surprise. "Aquila Hawk? He's good, you'll get pretty far."

"Wait! How can he play Quake?" Sephiroth asked very confused. "He's supposed to be writing this story." 

Samus glared at Sephiroth, seemingly admonishing him. "He's that good!"

Sephiroth looked faintly at the screens. "...Oh..." Sephiroth walked in a daze until he reached the door to the Arena and the random mirror attached to it. Sephiroth gazed at his reflection and the strange blue markings on his face and cloak. "What the fuck!?"

"You're playing Capture the Flag," Samus said. "Kill the Reds and steal their flag!" Samus then proceeded to kick Sephiroth through the door. "Happy hunting."

Sephiroth frantically and furiously looked around trying to get a grip of this new arena. It comprised of several space platforms connected only by a series of launching ramps and portals. In the middle were three platforms that could easily be reached, and one that looked a little high. Each side of the arena was identical to the other, but decorated in the color of the team's flag. "Hey, n00b!" Batman yelled from behind Sephiroth. "Get up there and give me and Zero some cover fire!

Sephiroth looked around confused. "...Umm... where?"

"Up there Numb Nuts!" Batman said, pointing his rocket launcher up at a platform above Sephiroth's head. "Right above you!"

"...Oh..." Sephiroth said timidly. "How do I get up there?" Without warning, Sephiroth had a flash thought that began to drive him towards one of the ramps. "Never mind. I think I know how." Sephiroth ran off the ledge and onto the waiting ramp. The force of the launch propelled him through one of the blue portals and out the other, landing him on another ramp and to a platform. Sephiroth did not know what possessed him, but he was thankful he did not get a face full off rocket shells. "I guess that's where I go," Sephiroth said. Immediately, he picked up the armor and rocket launcher sitting there and jumped of the ledge. Confidently, he strolled over to a blue orb and absorbed its energy, instantly feeling twice as vigorous. Finally Sephiroth backtracked to a launch ramp he passed after jumping down, and let it propel him onto the high ledge over his flag, picking up the waiting railgun in the process. "It's sniper time!"

"BLUE TEAM SCORES!" the mysterious voice announced.

"Good," Sephiroth said, aiming his weapon on the rocket launcher in the middle of the arena. "Now it's time to defend that lead!" Sephiroth fired his railgun just as Homer reached it, turning the bulbous Simpson into a shower of red. "...I did it... I did it! I fragged his fat ass!" Unfortunately, while Sephiroth celebrated, Bones was in mid air between the ramp to the platform and Sephiroth. "Oh shit..." Bones aimed his rocket launcher on Sephiroth, but never had the chance to fire. Just as he was about to land, Bones burst into a spectacle of blood. "What just happened?"

"I did," Samus said from behind Sephiroth. "I just got called in." Samus stopped just long enough to shoot an incoming Sorlag. "Alright, I'll cover your back while you cover the bat and the bot."

"Works for me." Sephiroth said jubilantly and began to snipe again.

"So how did you do this time?" Samus asked Sephiroth.

Sephiroth smiled smugly and pointed to the score boards. Plastered next to his name was the number 73. "That good enough?"

"Impressive," Samus said in approvement. "You've just gone from worst character in the Arena to one of it's best. Nice work."

Sephiroth stood smugly, watching the easily beaten red team stare at their ten to nothing loss on the monitors. Homer was especially upset, choking Bones as if he were a ten year old boy with spiky hair. Sephiroth again turned his attention to Samus. "So what now?"

"We wait for the next fight," Samus said calmly. "Just like we always do."

Weeks passed, and Sephiroth slowly climbed the Quake ladder to be one of its leading characters. Gallantly, he fought through each platform, each citadel, and each living room. Sephiroth especially loved sniping in Obiwon's House with a BFG10K. Each time, his standing rose a little. With each burst of the machine gun, each slug ripping through the opponent, Sephiroth became more and more respected. Then, it came.

"What's going on?" Sephiroth asked Samus, watching the gaggle of characters quiet down ominously.

"They're announcing the characters for the first ever Harvard on the Bleeding Hudson Competition," Samus responded and immediately grew silent as well.

"BATMAN, HOMER, HYDRA, ZERO, SPAWN, GOOFY, SAMUS, MARIO, SEPHIROTH!" the booming voice said. The rabble of characters began to break and converse.

Samus stared straight ahead, not ready to look Sephiroth in the eyes. "You know that if we meet in there, we can't show each other mercy."

"I know," Sephiroth said quietly. "Shouldn't bother me too much. I mean I am a villain. Hell, I cut off my own mother's head."

"Umm... she wasn't your mother," Samus said, trying to correct Sephiroth.

"Well I didn't know that at the time, thank you!" Sephiroth exclaimed sarcastically, but quickly calmed down. "...Good luck out there."

Samus continued staring straight ahead. "Same to you."

"FIGHT!" the announcer commanded, haralding the beginning of the tournament. Sephiroth began strong on the tournament, striking down Hydra and Spawn within moments. The arena was familiar to Sephiroth and he knew its secrets all too well, because it was that fated first arena he had fought in. The citidel that he had be humiliated in, and the one that eventually taught him to look in every crevice and alcove. It was the arena Sephiroth studied the hardest to become the best in.

"Die dirtbag..." Batman tried to say before Sephiroth made him eat a face full of plasma.

"All talk and no frag," Sephiroth said, turning his rocket launcher on Zero. "Makes characters a bloody mess!" Sephiroth continued his rampage through the arena, collecting ammo, dodging fire, and mowing down his competition. "B'bye," Sephiroth said, blowing off Homer's head with a shotgun.

"THREE FRAGS LEFT!" the announcer bellowed from the infinite non existence of nothingness.

"Wo, I wasn't even paying attention to the number of frags," Sephiroth said, continuing forth until he reached it. "Ah! My Big Fucking Gun!" Sephiroth picked the BFG10K and ran back for the main area of the arena.

Sephiroth stopped at an intersection and watched a rocket fly by. "THREE FRAGS LEFT! YOU ARE TIED FOR THE LEAD!"

Sephiroth waited to see who was sharing the lead with him. "...No..." Sephiroth said, watching Mario running away from him. "That's it! Fatso's going down!" In a fit of anger, Sephiroth unsheathed Masamune and killed Homer again.

"TWO FRAGS LEFT! YOU HAVE TAKEN THE LEAD! HUMILIATION!" the announcer said. Smiling, Sephiroth ran off on the hunt for Mario. "TWO FRAGS LEFT! YOU ARE TIED FOR THE LEAD!"

"Fuck!" Sephiroth exclaimed before taking fire from Hydra. Sephiroth dodged the barrage of bullets and fired his lightning gun at the zerg beast, frying it instantly.

"ONE FRAG LEFT! YOU HAVE TAKEN THE LEAD!" The announcer chimed.

"Damn straight!" Sephiroth said, trailing Mario. The fat plumber was cornered on a peninsula like structure over a pit of lava, and Batman was closing in right behind him. "Oh no you don't! Fatty's mine!" Sephiroth said, perfectly aware that no one could hear him. However, Mario was not ready to be killed either. The fat plumber shot Batman down with a barrage of plasma.

"ONE FRAG LEFT! YOU ARE TIED FOR THE LEAD!" the announcer said.

Sephiroth did not stop his approach, however, and soon the two were face to face. "So, it's come down to this," Sephiroth said tauntingly, raising up his BFG10K. "A tied up match with the two of us, both without being fragged, facing off for the final kill."

"I'a guess so," Mario said, raising his own BFG10K. "DIIIIIIIIIIE'a!" Mario and Sephiroth both began to fire streams of nuclear plasma at one another, while dodging the radioactive rounds. Neither made any hits by the time they ran out of ammo and switched to rockets. Again, both dodged the fire of their opponent with ease. Weapon by weapon they continued to fight with, but with little success. "You're'a out'a ammo," Mario said, raising his machine gun.

"So are you," Sephiroth said, smiling wryly.

Samus wove her way through the arena, shooting those who got in her way. "ONE FRAG LEFT!" the announcer's voice proclaimed.

"I guess two characters are about to win," Samus said, still running. She continued to run, shooting at those that crossed her path. That is until she came across Sephiroth and Mario staring each other down, armed only with melee weapons. "All right! He's got the pig cornered!"

"H'yuck!" an all too familiar voice said from the distance.

"Oh no..." Samus said, turning to see Goofy aiming a rocket at Sephiroth.

"Time ta' collect my banjo strings!" Goofy said, preparing to fire the rocket he had loaded. "H'yuck!"

"Noooooooooooooooo!" Samus yelled out, jumping in slow motion towards the barrel of the rocket launcher. Amazing that slow motion works in the written word, is it not? It will be some time before Samus reaches the launcher... So, how is the life of a fan fiction reader? Is it rewarding to get other people's takes on the world of their fandom? Still waiting... Anyway, I find that getting a freash view on game world helps with my perception. Still waiting... waiting... waiting... ...Now! The rocket exploded turning both Samus and Goofy into a red mush.

"SAMUS!" Sephiroth yelled out watching the bounty hunter explode into a sea of gore.

"Quite your moaning and start killing," Samus yelled after reincarnating on the board.

"Yes ma'am," Sephiroth said, focusing again on Mario. Mario charged at him with his gauntlet, but Sephiroth was able to dodge out of the way in time. Sephiroth swung Masamune around, but again Mario dodged the attack. "Ne me mori facias!" Sephiroth yelled, swinging Masamune down through Mario's neck.

"YOU HAVE TAKEN THE LEAD! HUMILIATION!" the announcer said before the world around Sephiroth faded to black.

"YES! In your face Matt!", Aquila yelled across the computer lab. "Who humiliated who? Oh yeah! Oh yeah!" Aquila danced around like he had just won the lottery.

"Andrew!" Matt yelled back over the computer lab. "Grow up! Geez have you ever heard of being a gracious winner?"

"Guys!" Val said trying to clam the two players down. "Cool it before the Computer Nazis get here."

"Well tell mister happy dance there to cool it," Matt retorted before facing his computer again. "And tell him to go back to writing his precious little story!"

"Oh, I'm going to!" Aquila yelled back sitting down again. "But you're going to come across badly in it!" Think about that last line.

Sephiroth entered the scoring room to throngs of cheering characters. He stepped up to one of the monitors and watched the scores popped up. At the top was Sephiroth holding a slim lead over Mario. The cheering ran up higher, and Sephiroth took in the good vibes. That is when Samus walked up to Sephiroth and kissed him deeply.

"SEPHIROTH!" Samus yelled, punching Sephiroth's right shoulder. Sephiroth woke up from his delusion with a dull pain. "Stop daydreaming!" Samus said. "You're creeping me out here. Anyway, you haven't touched your MP3."

"Wait! That was all a dream!?" Sephiroth asked frantically. "I didn't beat Mario in the tournament?"

"You'a did beat me!" Mario grumbled walking by with an ice pack on his neck. "And I'd'a appreciate if'a you din'na mention it again!"

"Yeah... what he said," Samus said drinking from her glass. Samus put down the glass again and turned to face Sephiroth. "So do you think you'll be able to do your day job without a problem now?"

Sephiroth sipped from his glass and put it down again. "I think I'll be just fine."

"Oh yeah! That hurt!" Sephiroth yelled out, taking hits from Cloud and Barret. Sephiroth laughed and raised his one wing up, only to find that it was cut off. "Heh, when did that happen?" Sephiroth laughed again.

"Yo, Cloud," Barret said, not turning from the psudoangel before him. "Da' fuck's up wit him today!?"

Cloud shrugged, and launched an attack. "Dunno. Maybe he's a sadomasochist." Cloud began to be surrounded by a red light. "Ooo! My limit break just kicked in."

"That's it!" Sephiroth yelled out. "Give it to me! Oh yeah! Oh yeah!"

"He's nuts," Cloud concluded, beginning omnislash.

Sephiroth took each hit with a smile, and began to fade after the last catastrophic hit. "Gah! I'm dead..."

The End

Author's Notes: First of all, I would like to thank the following companies for creating the games, series, and entertainment icons that made this story possible. First of all, thanks to Square-Enix and Id Software for creating the Final Fantasy series and Quake III Arena respectively. I would also like to thank Disney, Nintendo, DC Comics, Capcom, Matt Groening, MacFarland Comics, Blizzard, Metallica, Bob Seager, and Twentieth Century Fox for creating the characters, songs, and lines from The Matrix that made this story what it is. I would also like to thank Matt, Val, Chris, Rob, John, and everyone else at Hudson Valley Community College that saw the great opportunity to use the school network for giant games of Quake. Remember that physics is more fun with rockets and railguns. Also, I do apologize for this fic. I started it while riding the bus between home and HVCC. This story, sadly, has been in the works for the past year and a half. Not until recently did I have the drive to really work on it. Namely I recently bought my own copy of Quake III Arena.


End file.
